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Thursday, November 14

HEY EVERYONE!!! LOOK AT ME!!! I MOLEST CHILDREN!!!

Versability To Catch a Predator
Take a seat...
We live in an age where lazy parenting has taken the shape of handing a child a Kindle. If you live under a rock and have Sprint, you may be unaware that Amazon makes the Kindle.

We all understand what Amazon does, right?

Raise your hand if you have a blog and don't have Amazon contextual or affiliate ads on your blog...now slap yourself with that hand, because you're an idiot...and I don't have the NSA's fancy track-you-down billion dollar jibber-jabber programs, so I'm forced to drone on with common sense...

There are people protesting Amazon so they'll censor porn titles from hard-working, independent American entrepreneurs simply because they're showing up in searches their children are making on the family devices. In case you don't already understand why this is hilarious, take a seat, and I'll explain to you how the internet works...

You see...Amazon is so popular because Amazon knows how to get what you want in your view so you'll click on it and give them your money. In order to do this, Amazon tracks your browsing habits. Are you still with me? We all agree this is happening right? I'm not crazy.

So...

If Amazon is showing your kids porn on your family's computer, it's because someone is looking at porn on your family's computer. So let's address the naked elephant in the room here...the people who are protesting Amazon are the very same people who are consuming porn. Have we learned nothing from the slow and painful death of Blockbuster and Best Buy? There's a reason there's so many idiot Juggalos parading around looking like mimes but never shutting up - they stood up to Walmart's censorship.

What I'm saying is, don't cry "foul," when you're called out for being foul...(*NoteI worked in Bank of America's electronic claims department...I'm the guy who wouldn't rename your Girls Gone Wild recurring charge or rename the strip club ATM from your debit card statement...Don't lie to me)

Anywho, here's how to catch a predator without allll the fancy and expensive government monitoring programs:

Anytime your child goes missing, tag a book called "Violent Child Rape" with all the most disgusting things you can imagine happening to your child. Submit your DIY Chris Hanson to Amazon's marketplace, and pay as much money as you can to target a 20 mile radius around your home...then write Amazon a letter asking for the IP address of every person who viewed that ad...and submit that list to Anonymous, so hackivists can look into why each individual was shown that ad...

Anonymous and Amazon can narrow that search down to a few suspects, who the police can bring in for questioning...

Voila...

No illegal wiretapping necessary, NSA...No SOPA and PIPA needed, Congress...You can stop wasting our money on fallacies now...

You're welcome...and do I get a percentage of what you spent on all the proprietary software?

If you're as tired of the NSA monitoring you as I am, join me, the Chaos Computer Club, Anonymous, and more in the International Day of Privacy, coming to every city in the world on February 1, 2014...

#ExpectUs to have punch and pie...

Brian Penny is a former business analyst at Bank of America turned whistleblower, Anonymous supporter, and freelance writer.

1 comment:

  1. Wow - I know this is a trite word, I should be more creative and its overuse has reached an almost intolerable level of annoyance, but it is the only one that comes to mind. You are AWESOME. (Now hopefully I can retire "awesome" from my vocabulary ;-).

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