Something's been bothering me for the last few months, and I couldn't figure out what it was for the longest time. Today I did something I'm not proud of, and in cycling through the usual Catholic guilt that was drilled and beaten into my Atheist head, it finally occurred to me what my problem has been. I've been holding back...
I am not a hero...
Sure I've done some heroic things, but it's not like I meant to. I always imagined myself growing up to be a hero, but the fact of the matter is I'm just a normal guy who was faced with a few difficult decisions. I reacted the way anyone would if they knew the things I know and were backed into the corner I was in.
Allow me to explain...
For those of you reading my this who are still somehow unaware, I used to be a bankster. I was a statistics tracker and analyst for an Insurance Tracker/Loan Servicer/Force-Placed Insurer. What this means is that the company I used to work for is single-handedly responsible for around 90% of foreclosures that have happened in at least the last decade, maybe more. No matter who you have your collateral loan through (mortgage, auto lien, condo, commercial, RV, boat, etc) there are only 2 major companies who provide these tracking services and underwrite the insurance policies. I worked for one of them, and not only that...within that company, I was among the best of the best at what I did.
Specifically, I was a fixer. This meant that whenever your lawyer, the government, the Fed, corporate clients, or any other regulator or enemy of the bank attempted to catch us off guard, I was always there to pick up the pieces. When our internal management wanted to make more of a profit and find more ways to place a Force-Placed Insurance policy on borrowers, I was one of the experts they consulted with. When there were "system glitches" that caused hundreds of thousands of borrower's proof of insurance to "disappear" I was one of the people they called to help find it. I knew the systems inside and out. There was no task too difficult and no deadline too short to cause me to fail. I was thorough, accurate, and precise, and I never dropped the ball.
Here's the Catch 22 though...I didn't realize I was playing for the bad guys...
You see, when you work for the banks, you're kept in the dark about as much as possible. Everything is so compartmentalized that you have no idea how you fit into the big picture, or what the big picture even is. Sure we all know the banks are committing fraud. Sure we all know they created the 2008 economic collapse. It's no secret. When you're working at the actual bank, though, you're convinced on a daily basis that you have no part in it. It's someone else that's doing that, not you. What you do is good. They tell you so. You're only foreclosing on borrowers who deserve it because they didn't pay. You're only placing LPI on borrowers who deserved it because they didn't pay. Your conscience is kept clean while you blindly and systematically rape your own people of their dignity, self worth, and eventually their home and earthly possessions. I understand now, but at the time, I was ignorant. I, like anyone you'll ever talk to who works for the banks, could easily justify the part I played in the machine. It's your fault for not understanding why you had your life ruined, not the bank's.
This is where my problem started developing over the last few months. In case you couldn't already tell, I'm a little bit different. I think independently. I'm smarter than the average bear in a lot of ways. I keep my eyes and mind open. I didn't figure all of that out immediately. It took me the better part of a decade to fully understand the impact of what I was doing for the banks. The last 2 years of that decade were spent outside the bank being spit on and shunned as a whistleblower. You get to read my thoughts on my blog and hear my stories from a distance. This is something I live with and go through on a daily basis though. I have nothing but time to think about the morality and ethics involved in what I've done, because it's my life. It's my choices. It's my everything.
Although I've been standing against the banks for the last 2 years, it wasn't until the last few months that I started being faced with truly difficult decisions. The first year was easy. I lost everything and everyone around me, but I knew I had a plan. I was moving too fast. Adrenaline was carrying me, and I knew I couldn't lose. Moving into the second year, I was broken and weak, but I still had people and things to comfort me. It wasn't easy, but it was something. I've spent the last 2 months, however, largely alone on the other side of the country. Some of my bad decisions caught up with me. I started finding myself at the end of a lot of roads. Some of these roads were planned, but some of them took me by surprise. I was faced with choices I hadn't needed to make before.
Even when I worked for the banks doing those horrible things, I had a clean conscience, because from my perspective, I wasn't doing anything wrong. I was doing the right thing for my company. I was improving the world around me. I was just in a shitty world. I was working with the humans in Avatar. When I joined the other side, I always considered that I was doing the right thing as well, and for the most part I am doing the right thing.
The thing is...doing the right thing isn't always as black and white as you're raised to believe. What's right for one person is wrong for another, and this is the root of the issues I've been having. I'm not a hero. I'm just a man. I'm a man who happens to have a very unique skillset. When I worked for the banks I was so effective because although I didn't know it, I was cutthroat and vicious. I could destroy your life by any means necessary without hesitation. In standing on my own, I hesitate. I feel bad. I feel guilt. I'm not utilizing my skills to the fullest of my ability because I no longer have the security of a corporate logo to hide behind. I'm no longer acting as a faceless entity on behalf of a hidden subsidiary representing the corporate machine. It's my name on the line now. It's my reputation. It's my morals. I'm acting in my own interests.
Once the gloves came off, I realize now that I started pulling punches...because for the first time in my life, I became wholly responsible for all of my actions and decisions. I'm not fighting for the flag of my country in the Army. I'm not representing the colors and values of a college fraternity. I'm not doing what I do for a paycheck from a company. I'm no longer a face in the crowd standing under a banner. My actions are my own. My path is guided only by my decisions. The work I do is for me and only me. Even when I thought I was working independently last year, I was still learning, and I was still trying to live up to the expectations of the attorneys, regulators, the media, Anonymous, and everyone else around me. People started following my story and checking up on me, and I was aware of that, so I started to try and please all of these people...
That's been eating at me for a long time, and it took a lot for me to have this epiphany. It took the honesty of a very close friend pulling her hair out screaming at me and shaking me over the last few weeks. She couldn't get me to listen and it was frustrating us both because I had too many voices in my head to truly hear her. I finally figured out what's been bothering me this entire time...
Being in the trenches has changed a lot about who I am, but at the end of the day, I am a guerrilla. I've destroyed countless lives for the other side. It's time I stopped denying who I am and what I'm capable of, and use that power for the right side. I got where I am by being honest. I may be on rock bottom right now, but I'm standing there proudly with my head held high. I've made choices, both good and bad, but they're my choices and nobody else's.
Whether you believe it or not, we are in the middle of a class war, ladies and gentlemen...My name is Brian Penny...and I am a general...
