What People Are Really Thinking - Dating III

The below is an unscripted and mildly edited (for identity sake) email excerpt from my Match.com project. 

Each time, I ask the woman directly up front to tell me what problems she's been having in her love life, letting her know I would provide an honest answer from my heart. 

This came from a Working Girl*. She got divorced last year, and has a peaceful shared custody with her ex.

July 10 

She said:

I have so many questions about men. They're more about specific men though, so it may be hard to anwser for u, seeing how you dont know them... Maybe you can answer because u know their type :) lets have some fun, Vern. I can call you Vern right? It is easier to say than Mr. Versability. 

Honestly I kinda feel like I have men figured out :) You guys aren't nearly as complicated as us women... I think about switching over then remember how much harder the other side would be. Haha lately the type of guy I've been attracting is the one with no backbone. They know what they want, but would never say it in fear of being shot down. They let all women walk all over them, and in the end arent happy and wonder why... 

What do u think attracts these men? My last 2 bfs and another guy I just dated were all like that. If I didn't know better, I'd say they wanted to be the woman in the relationship. I'm so easy to get along with and super nice to everyone, but sometimes I want to be told what to do and maybe get thrown around (not in a mean way). I need a man. What bait should I use? What I've been usin isn't working!

RE:

Holy Cow, that's a lotta questions! First, every guy is the same with no exceptions, haha. There are exceptions, but there's also people who win the lottery. It doesn't mean the winning ticket is in your hand ;)

It turns out men in today's society are complete pussies. I know that word is a bit crass, but seriously, haha. Meeting a girl is as easy as being yourself. It's not like it's a huge secret. People say it all the time. It seems to be a bit harder for the male side on this one though.

The problem for most guys I know is that they get rejected a few times, or they have a few bad relationships (ALL of which, could've and still could work if both people actually worked at it mutually), so they end up feeling bad about themselves, etc, etc...the same heartbreak you get when it happens to you. You go through the stages (anger, tears, "I'll find someone better" and all the usual rigamarole), and then decide to go back out and try again (you seem like a "within 24 hour" kinda broad to me). 

The problem is that you can just get up and get back on the horse by showing up in public again. As long as you got ready and have an acceptable shape, there's not a guy out there who cares why you're upset beyond being ecstatic that "what's wrong?" is now a viable pickup line because the chicken shit couldn't come up with anything else. 

A guy, on the other hand, has to get his confidence back up. This comes naturally once he's had a couple of successes, but to get there, he has to fake the funk by thinking in his head "I'm going to just find a girl I can fuck" at which point you come along, instinctively sensing the confidence (by now I'm assuming you've got a pretty sharp instinct for fake confidence unless the force is strong with them or you're just in an emotionally retarded place at the time), and end up giving those guys exactly what they want, which allows them to lower the wall and become the wishy-washy, I-don't-know-what-I-want-out-of-life, no direction, no motivation, spineless white or blue collar zombie who will follow you around like Pepe Lepew* (I'm sure I spelled that wrong) chasing that poor cat on those Loony Toon crime reenactments* my parents used to make me watch till the 20 year cycle where the FCC realized all Saturday cartoons are inspired by acid trips and weed came by and the thing got replaced by more cartoons of kids chasing down imaginary critters.

My honest opinion for what attracts those guys is that you're "girl-next-door" pretty and, being from the Midwest, I imagine you have WAY less of an attitude in person. By being a genuinely good person, you're attracting the wishy-washy "I need to prove my masculinity to my friends/parents/you/the world-" type guys because you're more approachable than the porn-star-pretty girls with attitudes that all but the uber-confident fear. Basically Ug drink till dizzy and only one girl smiling at me. 

Your politeness will be mistaken for flirting all the time, by the way, because people just aren't very polite at the trendy places around here, and guys just aren't used to eye contact, much less a smile. We have literally no receptors for anything aside from complete brash directness.

Haha, funny you mentioned wanting to be thrown around too. I wrote an article for one of my blogs the other day about how sometimes the "nice guy" thing to do is to hold a girl you just met up against a wall, talk to her like a Vietnamese hooker, and bang her as forcefully as you can because it's one of the VERY FEW things a guy can provide a woman that she can't do to herself. 

Fact is, few guys have the balls to provide that without you having to egg them on (which COMPLETELY defeats the purpose of having your brains f*cked out) so you're better off either doing what you're doing with your toys at home BEFORE the date so you're relaxed (a tried and true relaxation method used by guys) and have your moment of enhanced mental clarity on the first date. 

You'll have a way better time that way. You'll speak your mind way more than you think you are (which by the way, is another reason you get clingy guys...you yourself are walking a line so as not to offend them), and you'll be a lot more loosened up.

Get used to having a bunch of first dates. Guys all suck. They all get clingy, and ESPECIALLY after you sleep with them, because (and I promise this actually does work out mathematically) odds are stacked in your favor that you've had more sexual partners than the guy you're on a date with. Instead of waiting to taking charge until you've gotten frustrated with the relationship, start taking charge from the start. Don't hide behind the "people will think I'm bossy" garbage and if you don't like something a guy says, tell him. 

Be the guy you want. Know what you want, be confident about who you are and how capable you are in life, and the aura of confidence will attract the type of guy you want. He'll be drawn to you. Just don't rush it. Trust your instincts. When it's wrong, it's wrong, and it's best to get out quick so you don't waste 10 years of your life in relationships with the wrong ones!

Oh...and until you do find that guy, have whatever fun you want on those dates. It's not like all the guys meet up at the end of the day to discuss who puts out. If you know the guy won't work out, but you're in the mood, go home with him. Hell, you can even kiss him goodnight (or awkward side hug or handshake if it went THAT bad) in the parking lot of wherever you met, then go back in to find some other guy to randomly pick up. Have you ever just gone somewhere solo and picked someone up or competed? I highly recommend it.

Anywho, have a good one, and let me know if anything else comes up.

About the Author - Brian Penny creates music under the name Mr. Versable. He tweets under the name @Versability. He believes in true love[Image], and won't rest until he's found his...oh, and his last blog cost Bank of America a whole lotta dough although I'm not pointing fingers, but the typos weren't mine...! Peace and love! haha ;)