I'm a nonsmoker...well, I am from now on at least. I have been for long enough now that after smoking for nearly 15 years over the course of 3 decades (essentially half my life), I tasted a strawberry for the first time in a long time...
It was delicious...and a bit refreshing. A lot of things have been tasting like blood lately. This didn't, so I was happy with my decision to become a non smoker.
Anywho, I found an old journal from when I was a smoker and started laughing a bit about it. I don't know how old I was at the time, and it really did feel stupid to write what's on my mind because I already knew what was there, but it's nice to see it from the perspective and wisdom time brings:
"There's nothing more calming than the feeling of nicotine flowing through ur blood. I hate smoking. The taste of corrosion, the smell of decay. Yet given the choice between a nice, hot meal & a pack of cigarettes, the Newports will always win.
I remember when I was a kid. My dad would always take that last drag before he had to put it out to go inside anywhere. It was still allowed at restaurants and bars back then (although I wasn't technically allowed in bars, so let's say I've heard), but mom wouldn't let him smoke in the house. It's sad, but that putrid smell reminds me of my dad. I wanted to be like him so bad I could taste it. I taste it every morning when I wake up. It tastes like burnt death.
It wasn't the ideal childhood I had seen in the movies. What I was in the movies was that everyone was perfect & exactly the same. The only way to stand out was to have a gimmick, and since Tarantino made it cool in movies again, cigarettes became my gimmick.
I'm not talking about candy cigarettes I loved as a kid, or the times I lit twigs & pretended to smoke. I mean my first hit off a real cigarette. My friend Frank (also my brother and father's name, go figure) and I found it in the ashtray in front of a video store. We watched it until the perfect chance to walk up and take it. It was like a game. It wasn't until years later I realized nobody in the real world cared about our "fun games" and we could've done literally whatever we wanted, haha."
It cuts off there, but I found it interesting how I actually hated cigarettes back then too. I spent a lot of time reflecting in my life, I suppose. It's how I learn things. For example, it's how I realized nicotine addiction, thick lips, and a "go fuck yourself" attitude are what I got from my dad. In fact, the only time we ever really bond is when we're smoking. I also learned I have to continue to train and stimulate my wit, or it'll begin to fade.
It's a tough thing to one day realize you're not actually as cool anymore as you once were. Because I spend time reflecting on the past, I feel that way just about every time I pull myself back into the present, haha. The good news is it's completely possible to refresh your coolness. All you need to do is tap into your true passion, remember how to dream, and push forward.